he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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