just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
