i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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