I faked an abortion last night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
