so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
