Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
