seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
