everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
