My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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