it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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