isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
