I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
