I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
