No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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