awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
