Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
