I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
