I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
