My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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