Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
