A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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