Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My bed smells like the plague
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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