Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my being single is dangerous.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
