he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
