i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
