I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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