and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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