it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
