STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
