I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
