did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
