i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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