So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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