you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
