Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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