Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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