you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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