those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
