You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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