I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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