Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
