oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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