apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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