I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
where does the pee come out of this thing
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
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