so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
