his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
