is your mom at the bar?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
