this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
