she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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