im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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