I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
