it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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