So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
